take time to realize

Those words keep repeating in my head and I think it's for a reason. And not just because I keep hearing it on the radio. Instead of living in the past, I need to realize that what is past is done and there's nothing I can do about that. I could, (and will), interject my theory of a type of time travel in which we re-live times in our past of our choosing, times that are truly wonderful. Times in which your life changed dramatically. Times that your heart was too full to take in the whole experience. OF COURSE the caveat being that these be the times WE choose.  I've gotta feeling that would be the deal breaker. A girl can theorize though. I really do think that it may be possible. Now I will click my heels 3 times. Which is difficult while I'm wearing my ubiquitous flip flops. ouch.

Yeah I know I just contradicted myself a bit there, but I am a study in contradictions, so deal.

Like I said, those words, "take time to realize" have been making me think. I've been a pretty big mess since the wedding and I think the reason why is that although I expected to feel a great let down from the all the planning and the excitement and the ultimately perfect, (in my mind), day, I did not expect the feelings of grief which have assaulted me. I didn't expect to cry. Well, that's not entirely true. I just didn't expect to cry when I did. I thought I'd cry through the wedding and the reception. But NO, it hit me just as they ran through the sparkler send off. Then I burst into tears. Not anymore though. Now I simply sit on the floor and whimper. I exaggerate. A little.

I am not writing this with any intention of garnering pity. I don't feel pitiful. I just think it's time for me to realize that I must let go. Easier said than done!

I have words of advice. Which is my job, being a mom and all. The difference is now that I have all this advice to share, I cannot make anyone listen. (Could I ever?)

So listen up.

First. Do not have children. Just kidding. Kinda. This is what children do to you. They leave you. (Don't get me wrong, I'd rather they leave home than become a woman/man-child. Kinda.)

If you insist on having children, remember remember that they GROW UP. (And leave you). Remember this in the midst of what I consider the hardest part of parenthood, potty training. Remember this when you feel like time has stopped and you are trapped with a screaming baby or babies. And remember this when your teenagers turn rebellious and disrespectful and become drug addicts... well I never really had to (yet) go through that... but I'm pretty sure that's another case of remember that time does pass, even though it seems that somethings will never end.

Second. It's kind of backwards, but the next thing I have advice about is marriage.

Marriage is HARD. I say that even though my marriage has been pretty darn easy. That's cuz I've lived a little bit and realize that I'm truly blessed to have the husband which I do have. Maybe it's not so much that marriage is difficult but that life is. Yes. I think I just figured that out.

I see a young couple, so in love, ready to take on their new lives. (And leaving me, btw). I am ecstatic for them. I have total faith in them. I know they're in love and have the solid footing of a temple marriage which will get carry them through the trials which life has in store for everyone. If they take advantage of that blessing.

I promise if you work at being a good wife/husband and treat each other with respect and as your trust grows, your marriage will get better and better. Even as life may become harder and harder. NEVER ever do something that will hurt that trust. I can't even say that from my own experience, but from other's. Because me and K have always had complete trust in each other. I've never had to worry about K doing anything to violate that trust and I know he knows he can trust me. Remember the covenants you made with each other in the Temple.

Tell each other EVERYTHING. (But that doesn't mean saying hurtful things in the heat of an disagreement/argument or making snide comments when she/he does that thing or things that annoys the crap out of you). Have a 'no secrets' policy. And seek one another's advice. Everything you do should be in the best interest of the other.

Kiss each other good night. Which may not seem like an issue now, but unfortunately life can make us lazy and neglectful. PRAY together. START NOW and it will become an invaluable part of your marriage.

AND I have to say, even though this will embarrass you, my best advice for a happy marriage: have lots of lots of seh. (Now you're really gonna leave me.)

I realize that part of my problem of letting go is the fact that J and I spent A LOT of time together. They weren't always good times, (we're too much alike), but I think a bond was formed that I didn't realize until now. And now I need realize that really, she's not just mine anymore. Which makes me sad. Happy sad, not sad sad, if that makes any sense.

I wonder if my parents wanted to kill me when I left them.

The Voice

I haven't had the time or really the desire to be blogging over the past few weeks. The lack of desire has a direct correlation to the lack of time. Has a or is in?

This morning is the morning of Jessie's first time at the Temple. Where she will receive her endowment, which is a big deal. Only she's the last one to know how big a deal this is and her mind will be so overloaded with information that there will probably be only one or two things she will remember about this first time. Maybe she's better prepared than I was. Heaven knows she's smarter than I was on that day just over 28 years ago. It isn't fair for me to predict her reaction. So scratch all that I just said. The fact that girls usually make this step a few days before their marriage nowadays is brilliant- I was shell shocked myself and I think I wasn't as present as I would have liked on our during our wedding-which was the next day.

If you read this Jessie I do want you to know that there is no need to be worried about this step even though I'm making it sound like a hugely daunting experience. It isn't. It's actually quite wonderful-it's just hard to recognize its wonderfulness at first.

There will be a lot of firsts for J &T these next few days. Weeks. Years. My advice is to keep your sense of humor and have fun and always be there for each other. Always. Never ever say things when you're apart that you wouldn't say when together. Unless it involves a gift. Even then keep in mind each other's feelings. Never do something to purposely hurt him/her. Talk to each other and always trust in each other. I'd say trust is the most important thing for a marriage. Notice I didn't say sometimes or maybe. IT IS the foundation of a good marriage. The only caveat being the obvious importance of your Temple sealing and your shared beliefs.

I've thought several times over these weeks of the difference in their situation and K & I's when we were wed. Although they're not flush with cash, they are starting out with so many more of the material things of life than we did. Which isn't hard since we had nothing but a used waterbed, a gross crappy one at that, and a whole lot of towels. I'm happy that this is the case, I mean their case; that they are set this way. But as I've thought about this more and remember those first years I realize that our lack of possessions made us rely on each other and more importantly I don't remember it making us love each other any less. It wasn't easy and I yearned for real furniture and nice things and although we lived off a credit cards for quite a while, which is kind of terrible, we made it. Kevin was unemployed for a while and that good man did everything he could to find a job and wasn't too proud to work at whatever job he could find. He would get up in the morning and wait I don't remember where to work as a day laborer. Tree cutting, construction, anything. I had a job that paid at the most $8 an hour. Even when he did start working for Provo Craft and us moving to Cedar City we were poor as church mice. We had babies, and those things are expensive for sure, and we were always blessed to have just enough financially.

So, this isn't what I intended to write at all. I started out thinking about when I got sucked into the surreal world of woman bloggers and the weird friendships that had no meaning and the time I wasted, etc. What might have been if I hadn't. The voice that was whispering to me pretty much that whole time that blogging with the intent to rake in followers and please other bloggers and losing my real voice and the childishness it brought out in me was just so not right. It's like a world tipped on its axis. There is the voice you think you hear when what you really are is nervous and or scared, and then there are the whisperings that make good sense and usually comes when you know you've screwed up and already know instinctively that the voice is right. Then there is the voice that pops into your mind when you aren't expecting it to and that is a different story.

Y'all know what I mean by voice.

And so, here I am. It's time for me to get a move on it and shower and for the ADD to settle in for the day. Time to let the real voice help me to be calm and ready to enjoy this day. Make today count. I want to remember as much as I can about today. Which it probably won't because what I remember most about Kristen's first time at the Temple is the laundry tips the nice worker gave. All the time before then I thought it was warm water. Now I know you're supposed to launder you know what in COLD. And I do remember Kristen's utter faith. She's a good one that girl.

Happy day to you Jessie. Looking forward to your other happy day this week. I hope that you'll remember this day with fondness. And the laundry advice.